ôThe Shattered Skyö contains some powerful statements and images but needs to be tightened up to eliminate gaps in logic and continuity that undermine its impact. For example, in the first paragraph, the author states that life is the product of a delicate balancing act provided by nature. Then she states that the ozone layer is a valuable player in the balance of the environment. However, she never clarifies how the balancing act works or what is being balanced with ozone. In the same paragraph, she mentions CFCs and says that the rate of ozone depletion is rising at an alarming rate, but the intervening detail explaining that CFCs cause ozone depletion is missing.
Similar logical links are missing near the end of the paper, where she states that ôa total ban would eliminate the entire industryö but does not identify which industry. Further down, she says that a substitute for Freon is not needed but does not explain why. The paper starts out with the major global impact of ozone depletion and ends with the much weaker premise that education and awareness are needed, but without any recommendations for how that gap can be bridged.
The authorÆs survey has such a small sample size that it does not provide much support for the argument. It might be more effective to find a similar large-scale survey to use in place of it, and then say, ôI conducted an informal local survey that confirmed those results (Appendix 1).ö
The paper is largely well-written except for these logic gaps and some grammatical and syntax errors (Table 1). It uses the passive voice a bit too much, which also diminishes its impact. With these addressed and a more powerful ending substituted, it will be excellent.
With the rate of more than a half-million tons of CFCs
Leave out ôWith the rate of.ö Say ôMore than a half-million tons of CFCs are being spewedàö
Out of the need to eliminateàFreon was found to
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