I imagine that the real learning about death and dying consists of going through the dying process itself, because the rest of us are just observers. We read about what people experience, or we watch as those we love struggle to survive, and then let go. I think the real learning that I have gained through my work and my life is that of the participant-observer in the process of experiencing other people's deaths in preparation for my own. Yet, death still remains a mystery to us, even with our models of dying, and our stages of grief, and our attempts to manage to arrange for people to have good and pain-free deaths. Death still remains huge and beyond our grasp.
There is no one central theme or issue that I would identify. Instead, there are a cluster of themes that deserve more exploration or reiteration.
Pain management. Although this was not a major focus of Kubler-Ross in her original work, it has become one of the most important issues in the death and dying community, and in the hospice movement. The bereavement counselor I interviewed, who was with New York Hospice, noted that New York Hospice specialized in pain management. She said that they were knowledgeable about the kinds of medications that were effective for relieving the pain of the different kinds of illnesses people suffered from. This was one of the focuses of their work.
Byock (1990), too, emphasized pain management in his book, noting that many people, and family members, are afraid of the dying process because they imagine it involves excruciating pain. He was honest in admitting that sometimes this was the case, but that in most instances they could find medications and dosages that would relieve people's pain enough to allow them to die comfortably, rather than in agony.
For myself, I remember my mother's pain, and that it was great, although relieved by drugs, too. I think that she did her best to keep her suffering from us, and p...